Even after two hours I cannot figure out why,
after so many years, he has chosen to spend
this afternoon with me. Despite the laughter,
the catching up, and the few unexpected memories,
I am unable to stop from running through my mind
all of the reasons we should not be here. Is it these
that are the cause of my anxiety, or is it that
I never imagined he would be so confident
and secure? How small I now feel beside him
and his path that has been filled with strength, risk,
foreign countries and medical degrees, while mine
has been filled with weakness, struggle, relationships
and thoughts. Abstract but crucial, my path cannot
for some reason be discussed with him, instead joining
the many questions and memories that are left unsaid.

Sitting in one of the many comfortable but empty silences,
I wonder what I could say to make him open up, to find
a connection lost thirteen years ago on another chilly fall day,
to make him want this time to stay in touch. Only later,
after many days have passed, will I begin to consider whether
there should be more simple friendships in my life, removed
of all the ugliness and expectations. When she hears the story
she is not surprised by his simplicity, having never thought
there was anything beneath the surface, but I remember
a young man pouring onto paper the raw emotions
that neither one of us could talk about. It is this that is
still with me today, leaving me embarrassed and uncertain
and angry about this significant step back in a year of growth.
Still in need of the reassurance that never comes, I am left
with only the ease and comfort of his warm, steady hug.

Alana Munoz